Q&A: Cypher

Doug Ramsey had the mutant ability to understand all forms of language and communication. Somehow, this enabled him to become a member of the New Mutants, meaning he was constantly in danger of being hurt in fights with other mutants and dangerous super-powered beings. Fortunately, his friendship with a techno-organic alien being called Warlock allowed him to go into battle with his friends when he was protected by the living metal of Warlock’s body. He died stopping a bullet aimed at Rahne Sinclair, aka Wolfsbane. Any resurrection ideas or mention of Douglock are ignored for the purposes of it being stupid.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Not being dead.

What is your greatest fear?
Coming back to life as Douglock.

Which living person do you most admire and why?
All of them, for being alive.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Whining about not being allowed to fight, even though I had no physical powers.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Silence.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Allowing an alien organic being to merge with me so that I can live the dream of being a hero.

What is your most treasured possession?
My brain.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
The lack of sexiness I brought to spandex.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Whining. Whinging. Moaning.

What is your favourite word?
You can’t ask that of someone who understands ALL languagues – all words are my favourite.

What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
Alien robot.

Cat or dog?
Dog, if only because of Wolfsbane …

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Being a member of the New Mutants (while alive).

To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?
To Betsy, for putting her in the uncomfortable situation of fancying me but not being able to do anything about it.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Rahne.

Which living person do you most despise and why?
The bastard that shot me.

Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?
Never, not even in a foreign language.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I’m Doug Ramsey, and I’m dead.

What is your greatest regret?
Not getting a sexy secondary mutation that would make me more viable for a superhero team dependent on physical attributes.

When and where were you happiest?
In the hey day of the New Mutants, the Claremont years, drawn by Sienkiewicz and Art Adams and Alan Davies.

How do you relax?
Surfing the web in Chinese.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Life.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Didn’t get to be alive long enough, I’m afraid.

What keeps you awake at night?
The fact that all other mutants seem to come back to life, but I seem to be the Barry Allen of X-World, except I didn’t save the multiverse.

What song would you like played at your funeral?
Happy Talk (except they didn’t play it, the bastards).

How would you like to be remembered?
At all would be nice.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Having a non-physical power in a world where there is a lot of fighting between powered individuals is not a good idea.

Q&A: The Punisher

Frank Castle saw his wife and two children killed in the crossfire of a gun battle between organised crime gangs in New York’s Central Park. Overcome with grief, he vowed revenge and has since battled a never-ending war against the Mafia, using the training he received as a US Marine. His hobbies include killing criminals in inventive ways.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A world free of crime. Or a sea of dead criminals.

What is your greatest fear?
Running out of hate.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Pity.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Evil.

What has been your most embarrassing moment?
There was that time with the whole angel thing I don't want to talk about …

What is your greatest extravagance?
Wearing a giant skull on my chest.

Where would you like to live?
Anywhere but here.

What makes you depressed?
Everything.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I wish I could do more with my hair.

Who would play you in a movie of your life?
Eric Bana, if he bulked up.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Killing people.

What is your favourite smell?
Gun smoke.

What is your favourite word?
Die.

What is your favourite book?
The Punisher Kills The Marvel Universe.

What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
You're looking at it.

Cat or dog?
Either; they both taste the same …

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Killing.

Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?
No, and I'll kill anyone who ever did.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
'Die, motherfucker'

What has been your biggest disappointment?
The lack of fulfilment when I killed the men responsible for murdering my family.

What is your greatest regret?
Not killing enough people.

When and where were you happiest?
Probably when I was a foetus.

How do you relax?
I don’t.

What keeps you awake at night?
The screams of the captured mafia goons crying for their mommas.

What song would you like played at your funeral?
You can't always get what you want.

How would you like to be remembered?
As a purifier of filth.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Death is final, but punishment is eternal.

Q&A: Aunt May

May Reilly Parker is an annoying, yet seemingly indestructible, old woman. She currently lives in Manhattan, with her nephew, Peter, and his wife, Mary Jane, after living for many years in Queens.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Before the destruction of my house, it was sitting out in the garden with my family.

What is your greatest fear?
Something bad happening to Peter.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Frailty.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Rudeness.

What has been your most embarrassing moment?
Finding out that people had thought I had died, when it had been a genetically altered actress. What a mix-up that was.

Where would you like to live?
Queens.

What makes you depressed?
Thinking about dying again.

Who would play you in a movie of your life?
Rosemary Harris.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Putting my hand to my mouth and going ‘Oh!’

What is your favourite smell?
Home baking.

What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
Fancy dress is for young people and superheroes, dearie.

Radiator or air conditioning?
Radiator; I can never seem to stay warm.

Is it better to give or to receive?
What a silly question, of course it’s better to give than to receive. You’re not very clever, are you?

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Clinging onto the memory of my dead husband, even after 40 years.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
It will always be my Ben, even though he’s dead.

Which living person do you most despise and why?
It used to be Spider-Man, but now I think it’s that horrible little man, J. Jonah Jameson.

Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?
How dare you! You are so impertinent.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
'Oh my!'

What has been your biggest disappointment?
Finding out that ‘death’ has no real meaning in the Marvel Universe, unless your name is Ben Parker.

What is your greatest regret?
Not having the chance to say goodbye to Ben.

When did you last cry, and why?
Oh, I cry all the time. You don’t get to my age and suffer all that I’ve been through without shedding a few tears.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
The eradication of all supervillains.

What keeps you awake at night?
Peter not being home yet.

How would you like to be remembered?
As a strong and independent woman, rather than an embarrassing anachronism kept around because some people mistakenly believe that I serve a point.

[Edit: to change the former Parker residence to Queens, thanks to Max.]

Q&A: Cannonball

At puberty, in common with other mutants coming into their powers, Sam Guthrie developed the ability to fly, via the release of thermochemical energy, which also makes him invulnerable while flying. After becoming the co-leader of the New Mutants, he also joined X-Force, before becoming an X-Man, then joining X-Corporation, before coming back to the X-Men, because you can never get enough X. He has been romantically linked to Lila Cheney, the rock star (with the ability to teleport over galactic distances), and owns his own farm.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Fighting the good fight.

What is your greatest fear?
Claustrophobia.

Which living person do you most admire and why?
Professor Xavier, for his dream and what he has done for me.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Stupidity.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Thinking ah'm stupid 'cos of mah accent.

What has been your most embarrassing moment?
Well, there was this one time that involved Lila getting me into a public nudity situation ...

What vehicles do you own?
Mah mutant power is mah vehicle.

Where would you like to live?
Back home in Kentucky. Beautiful country and wonderful people.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Ah'm too gangly; ah hoped ah'd have filled out by now.

Who would play you in a movie of your life?
This may be vain, but ah think Paul Walker would be a good choice.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Blushing.

What is your favourite smell?
Fresh air.

What is your favourite book?
Gosh, what can ah pick? Anything by Heinlein, ah guess.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Air miles.

Which living person do you most despise and why?
Cable; let's not go there ...

Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?
No, it's not a gentlemanly thing to do.

What has been your biggest disappointment?
Finding out that ah may or may not be an immortal Eternal.

When did you last cry, and why?
Ah'm not ashamed to admit to crying recently, but ah can't remember why.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Becoming an X-Man.

How would you like to be remembered?
Fondly.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Empty vessels make the most noise.

Q&A: Invisible Woman

Susan Richards, nee Storm, is a mother of two, Franklin and Valeria, wife to noted scientist Reed Richards, and a founding member of the Fantastic Four. She has the ability to turn invisible, as well as project invisible force fields. With Reed, Johnny and Ben, she has saved the world and the universe countless times.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
My family. And no imminent threat of death.

What is your greatest fear?
Being useless.

Which living person do you most admire and why?
My husband, Reed Richards, who constantly proves he deserves his code name, as a husband, father and friend.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Malice.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Hating children.

What has been your most embarrassing moment?
See the answer to question 4.

What vehicles do you own?
Fantasticar (my name is on the registration for tax purposes).

What is your greatest extravagance?
A skyscraper in the middle of Manhattan.

What is your most treasured possession?
My children.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I'm not bragging by saying 'nothing'; you have to believe you look good to go running around in spandex. I work out to keep in shape, especially after giving birth, so I'm proud. Anyway, I've always got the invisibility as a back-up.

Who would play you in a movie of your life?
NOT Jessica Alba.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Berating my younger brother, Johnny, even when he deserves it.

What is your favourite smell?
My invisible force fields.

What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
When you can turn invisilbe, fancy dress really isn't worth it.

To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?
Namor, for stringing him along all this time.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Reed is my centre, my rock, my light.

Which living person do you most despise and why?
Victor von Doom, because he is the anti-Reed, and it's such a shame.

Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?
Never. And anything Namor says is a lie.

When did you last cry, and why?
I cry all the time; male writers only know one emotion for women, and it involves tears.

What keeps you awake at night?
The sound of Reed's involuntary stretching; it's exactly like in the cartoon and I'm still not used to it in the middle of the night.

How would you like to be remembered?
As a good wife and mother.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Appearances can be deceiving.

Q&A: Nightcrawler

Kurt Wagner was born in Bavaria with indigo fur covering his body, a prehensile tail, three fingers on each hand (including opposable thumbs), fang-like canines, and yellow eyes with no distinguishable pupils. Naturally, a career in the circus beckoned. He was invited to join the X-Men by Professor Charles Xavier, due to his mutant ability to teleport. He led the X-Men briefly, as well as the British offshoot, Excalibur, where his sense of fun and chivalry played a central role. He is a devout Catholic.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A lovely lady to rescue from peril, then a hot tub and some champagne …

What is your greatest fear?
Alopecia areata universalis (complete loss of hair on whole body)

Which living person do you most admire and why?
Professor Xavier; he is a brilliant man with a noble dream.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Wearing a dashing and classic costume, despite being covered in fur.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Absolutely nothing – I am perfect in every way!

Who would play you in a movie of your life?
Me!

What is your most unappealing habit?
Filing my fangs.

What is your favourite smell?
Sulphur.

What is your favourite word?
Liebchen.

What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
Who needs a fancy dress costume? If I had to, I would set the image-inducer to Errol Flynn.

Radiator or air conditioning?
I don’t need a radiator, I can assure you.

Cat or dog?
Neither; fur is too much of a problem already.

Is it better to give or to receive?
Give, give, give.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
A gentleman never kisses and tells.

Which living person do you most despise and why?
It is not Christian to hate; we must learn to forgive people.

Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?
Never. A real man would never do that.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Ja. Unglaublich! Wunderbar! Fantastisch! Nicht warr? Mein Gott!

When and where were you happiest?
The circus, as a child, were wonderfully innocent and happy times. Due to the high level of angst running through the mutant books, I am not contractually allowed to be happy for very long.

How do you relax?
Fencing and praying.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Quick-drying fur products.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
It used to be becoming a priest, but apparently that didn’t happen. So, I’d have to say it was leading the X-Men and Excalibur.

What keeps you awake at night?
Rolling onto my tail.

What song would you like played at your funeral?
Sympathy for the Devil.

How would you like to be remembered?
As the Fuzzy Elf.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Don't judge a person by appearances.

(Kurt Wagner was always my favourite of the X-Men. I can't mock him too much.)

Q&A: Black Bolt

Blackagar Boltagon is King of the Inhuhmans Royal Family, as well as being a member of The Illuminati. Subjected to mutagenic Terrigen Mist while still an embryo, he was born with an array of powers, such as speed, flight, strength and endurance, but it is the capacity of his vocal chords to turn any sound into a correlative destructive force that requires his vow of life-long silence. He is married to Medusa, his cousin, and they have one child, Ahura. This interview was conducted by email.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Silence.

What is your greatest fear?
Whooping cough; I'd probably obliterate the moon ...

Which living person do you most admire and why?
Eminem; he's a fucking poet.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Always having to have the last word.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Taciturnity.

What has been your most embarrassing moment?
Farting in the sound-proofed chamber.

What vehicles do you own?
I don't need no car, bitch ...

Where would you like to live?
Attilan. Why do you think I keep relocating and building it?

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
This damn tuning fork.

Who would play you in a movie of your life?
Ben Affleck. He could knock it outta the park. He's got the gravitas, you know?

What is your most unappealing habit?
Picking my nose.

What is your favourite smell?
Terrigen mists. Perverse, I know.

What is your favourite word?
Cacophony.

What is your fancy dress costume of choice?
You're looking at it, baby; the blue threads are a classic.

Cat or dog?
Lockjaw, all the way.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Singing in a specially sound-proofed shower.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My sweet and lovely Medusa.

Have you ever said "I love you" without meaning it?
Have I ever said anything without meaning it?

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
You're just taking the piss now ...

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
A change in the laws of physics regarding the carrying of soundwaves.

How would you like to be remembered?
As a good king, a good husband and a good man. Without a tuning fork on his head.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Silence is golden.

(The questions have changed slightly from previous post, due to finding out the full list of official questions the Guardian uses from this post by Neil Gaiman, who recently answered them for publication.)

Q&A: Uatu the Watcher

Q&A: Uatu, the Watcher

Uatu is a Watcher, a member of a powerful species of immortals who have sworn to passive observation of the universe. Uatu watches our solar system, from his home on the Moon, only occasionally breaking his code of strict non-interference. He would like to reinforce the fact that he is NOT a pervert.

What is your perfect idea of happiness?
Guilt-free voyeurism.

Which living person do you most admire?
Reed Richards. He’s just ... fantastic.

What is your greatest regret?
I have a few, as detailed in the court case with my people, but the settlement means I’m not allowed to discuss it, I’m afraid.

What is your most treasured possession?
A replica of the Ultimate Nullifier, signed by Reed Richards and Galactus.

Where would you like to live?
The Baxter Building, but the Blue Area suits me just fine.

What makes you depressed?
The fact that togas are no longer fashionable.

Who would play you in a movie of your life?
Michael Chiklis.

What is your favourite book?
The CIA World Factbook

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Bald Head Shine

What do you owe your parents?
My troublesome altruism and an overwhelming urge to meddle in things.

Which living person do you most despise?
I know people might expect me to say Galactus, but I have to go with Rupert Murdoch, for putting far too many channels of dross on television – how am I supposed to watch it all?

When and where were you happiest?
Narrating the What If..? series.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
TiVo for the universe.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Q&A: Usagi Yojimbo

Miyamoto Usagi is a samurai in 17th century feudal Japan. Having learned from the hermit sensei, Katsuichi, he served under Lord Mifune. Following Mifune’s death at the Battle of Adachigahara, Usagi became a ronin, wandering the country while adhering to bushido, the way of the warrior, although he has been connected with the Geishu clan on several occasions. He has a son, Jotaro, although both are unaware that the other knows their true biological connection.

What is your perfect idea of happiness?
Flying a kite with my friends on a beautiful hill on a sunny day.

Which living person do you most admire?
My sensei, Katsuichi, who embodies the samurai spirit.

What is your greatest regret?
The death of my master, Lord Mifune, a great man.

What is your most treasured possession?
My daisho: my katana, Yagi No Eda (willow branch), and my wakizashi, Aoyagi (young willow).

Where would you like to live?
A wandering ronin is happy to call anywhere in this beautiful country home, but I will always hold a special place in my heart for the village where I was born.

What makes you depressed?
Evil in all its forms.

Who would play you in a movie of your life?
I think Thumper has the range, but not Bugs or Roger – the life of a samurai requires more gravitas.

What is your favourite book?
Go Rin No Sho (Book of Five Rings)

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Rice balls. And bathing.

What do you owe your parents?
My stubbornness and sense of duty.

Which living person do you most despise?
Lord Hikiji, the man who killed my father and my honourable Lord, and gave me the scar above my eye.

When and where were you happiest?
Training to be a student in the mountains with my sensei.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Full-time employment for all samurai.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Life is hard, but if you follow bushido with honour, you will have lived well.

(With apologies, and the greatest respect, to Stan Sakai and his brilliant creation, Usagi Yojimbo, one of the best comics being published today.)

Questions & Answers: Batman

(The Guardian Weekend magazine on a Saturday has a recurring section, where they ask the same questions each week to celebrities and interesting people. I thought I’d apply them to some superheroes only without the stupid question about radiators or air conditioning. Seriously, what are they thinking with that?)

Q&A: BATMAN

The Batman is an urban myth, currently residing in Gotham City.

What is your perfect idea of happiness?
A world without crime. Without fear. Without homoerotic subtext.

Which living person do you most admire?
Me.

What is your greatest regret?
That I can’t stop my parents from being murdered. If only I knew someone who could send me back in time …

What is your most treasured possession?
A giant penny. No, a full-size mechanical T-Rex. No, a huge Joker playing card. Can I get back to you on that one?

Where would you like to live?
Somewhere dark. And grim.

What makes you depressed?
Man’s inhumanity to man. And all the gay jokes.

Who would play you in a movie of your life?
Sure as hell not that cissy boy Val Kilmer, I can tell you that for damn sure.

What is your favourite book?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
My crusade against crime.

What do you owe your parents?
My determination and the never-ending search for justice. And all the money, of course.

Which living person do you most despise?
Shit, where do I start? That sick fuck Joker, Joe Chill, anyone in Arkham Asylum, Frederic Wertham – how long can I go on here?

When and where were you happiest?
I’m sorry, you lost me there – happiness?

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Eradication of free will in the population of Earth?

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot.