Rambling nonsense after a break

I’m back after a refreshing break. I should have future-posted a whole bunch of film reviews for when I was away, but didn’t get round to it. Ah well. I will make amends.

Strangely, after a refreshing break, I discovered how tiring it is testing out new mattresses. Our mattress has reached the end of the line, only doing an approximate impersonation of a mattress, and sleep is being disrupted. So Saturday was spent at bed shops trying out different types of mattress – pocket sprung, pocket sprung with more springs, with less springs, pocket sprung with a memory foam top, a complete memory foam mattress, a luxury memory foam mattress, a soft memory foam mattress. It’s tiring just looking at the list. It is also extremely exhausting lying down for extended periods – we spent about 3 hours looking for a new mattress and had to go to bed early, and have an unexpected lie-in the next morning. Thoroughly confusing. I wondered what it must be like to have a job where you watch people get on beds in front of you when you aren’t a prostitute, a doctor or a porn director. Mattress salespeople have a strange life …

Another new experience in mattress hunting was using the tram. This may not be new for a lot of folks, but it was odd to get the tram from Wimbledon down to the retail centre with the bed shops. Lots of going very fast then stopping at these really small platforms, nipping down the back of industrial parks and proper parks. Enjoyable for short trips, but I think it would lose its charm if part of a daily commute.

Waiting for me after the break was a freebie from Sainsbury’s – a Fusion razorblade. This has me slightly nervous about how much I’m being monitored since I got a Nectar card – I have been using an older model razor blade, so obviously I should be spending my money on a more-advanced version. Although, to be honest, how many more blades are they going to put on a razor before it gets really stupid? I thought they were pushing it at three; five is just ridiculous. I have visions of using this massive rack of swords to shave my face sometime soon – even they see the ludicrousness of the situation, as they provide a single blade on the back of the head for shaving under your nose. It doesn’t shave my face any closer, either … What is odd is that Sainsbury’s haven’t sent any free stuff to my girlfriend; not even the voucher for free chocolates on her birthday that I received (I think I must be down as the chocolate buyer in the house, even though I don’t eat it myself). Is it sexism or am I revealing myself to be a profligate spender without realising it? I’ll have to go through my receipts more carefully.

There is a poster advert on tube for Playboy online gambling (Why? Who makes a connection between soft-core porn and playing cards for money? Anybody?), which is mostly a black background with a red circle with the words ‘18’ above a red line then the words ‘Adults only’. The only trouble is that it makes it look like only eighteen people can use the Playboy online gaming facility ever … I wish I could find a copy of it online.

Talking of advertising, official notification of the coolness of Shaun of the Dead is found in its use as inspiration for an advert; after all, ad execs only steal from the best. The ad for Mattessons Chicken Bites has zombie-esque people trying to sneak up on the chap who has a packet of this produce, all to the tune of I Monster’s ‘The Blue Wraith’, the main theme from Shaun of the Dead. Do they have to pay Pegg and Wright any sort of royalties?

Talking of great comedy, there is a new series of That Mitchell and Webb Sound on Radio 4 starting this Thursday. This seems an unusual choice, especially after the success of their television series following on from the second radio series, their Mac adverts, and a film (Magicians, in cinemas now). However, perhaps they are just honing the quality of the sketch show by finding out what works (compare with the rubbish of the later Little Britain series after they concentrated on television after one series of the radio show). The television show was awarded the BAFTA for best comedy show on the weekend; this might be a tainted award, as it was a night for upsets, but I don’t think they’ll really care now they have it. Hurrah for them

Back to reviewing the world of pop culture entertainment, with the occasional digression. Much like this one …

Miscellaneous nonsense from my brain pan

I have some peculiar thoughts and notes floating through my head and I need to get them out:

Driving back from Norfolk, I noticed a sign by the side of the A14 saying, 'Public Telephone'. Now, I don't wish to reinforce stereotypes, but do yokels see public telephones as some sort of tourist attraction? Or, is it some kind of warning for locals to beware of the dangerous, new-fangled machinery?

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A genuine sign on a door at work: 'THIS DOOR IS ALARMED' (I wonder if there are lots of doors which inform people of their emotional state.)

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Strange thought: Presumably, due to his smalltown USA upbringing on a farm, Clark Kent, AKA Superman, must be a big country and western fan. So, I have this image of Supes line-dancing to Billy Ray Cyrus and Achy Braky Heart. Scary ...

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The Lesbian Five-Finger Guide to Restaurants (Well, I thought it was funny.)

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I remember reading that the enzyme Pig Lipase is not kosher but the cloned version of the same enzyme is, according to the Rabbi in the food industry. That freaks me out.

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Why does the expression 'Mammogram' conjure up the image of a topless woman at the door singing 'Happy Birthday'?

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I saw a postmen on his postman’s bicycle, with its little basket at the front, and he was smoking a cigarette while riding. Now, that’s what I call dedication – in fact, he’s a CHAIN-LETTER SMOKER (boom, boom.)

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Reclaimed Negative Space – the strange sensation of being able to see and move into space that has been occupied for some time. Most common is the removal of the Christmas tree, but also very strong in moving house.

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I would love to hear this conversation on a radio station:
'Hey caller, who’s you favourite station?'
'Paddington.'
'What?!
'Paddington station, west London. Nice mix of old England and modern terminal, not too busy, devoid of an excess of bloody tourists, quite clean and hardly any beggars or prostitutes.'

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Advice For Working: Always go for a dump at work. Try to synchronise your bowel movements for the midst of your work day. Not only will you pass the long hours in a non-work activity, you will also not have to pay for as much toilet paper AND you won’t have to worry about needing a plumber after blocking the toilet with a colossal log.