Miscellaneous nonsense from my brain pan

I have some peculiar thoughts and notes floating through my head and I need to get them out:

Driving back from Norfolk, I noticed a sign by the side of the A14 saying, ‘Public Telephone’. Now, I don’t wish to reinforce stereotypes, but do yokels see public telephones as some sort of tourist attraction? Or, is it some kind of warning for locals to beware of the dangerous, new-fangled machinery?

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A genuine sign on a door at work: ‘THIS DOOR IS ALARMED’ (I wonder if there are lots of doors which inform people of their emotional state.)

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Strange thought: Presumably, due to his smalltown USA upbringing on a farm, Clark Kent, AKA Superman, must be a big country and western fan. So, I have this image of Supes line-dancing to Billy Ray Cyrus and Achy Braky Heart. Scary …

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The Lesbian Five-Finger Guide to Restaurants (Well, I thought it was funny.)

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I remember reading that the enzyme Pig Lipase is not kosher but the cloned version of the same enzyme is, according to the Rabbi in the food industry. That freaks me out.

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Why does the expression ‘Mammogram’ conjure up the image of a topless woman at the door singing ‘Happy Birthday’?

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I saw a postmen on his postman’s bicycle, with its little basket at the front, and he was smoking a cigarette while riding. Now, that’s what I call dedication – in fact, he’s a CHAIN-LETTER SMOKER (boom, boom.)

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Reclaimed Negative Space – the strange sensation of being able to see and move into space that has been occupied for some time. Most common is the removal of the Christmas tree, but also very strong in moving house.

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I would love to hear this conversation on a radio station:
‘Hey caller, who’s you favourite station?’
‘Paddington.’
‘What?!
‘Paddington station, west London. Nice mix of old England and modern terminal, not too busy, devoid of an excess of bloody tourists, quite clean and hardly any beggars or prostitutes.’

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Advice For Working: Always go for a dump at work. Try to synchronise your bowel movements for the midst of your work day. Not only will you pass the long hours in a non-work activity, you will also not have to pay for as much toilet paper AND you won’t have to worry about needing a plumber after blocking the toilet with a colossal log.

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