(The Guardian Weekend magazine on a Saturday has a recurring section, where they ask the same questions each week to celebrities and interesting people. I thought I’d apply them to some superheroes only without the stupid question about radiators or air conditioning. Seriously, what are they thinking with that?)

The Batman is an urban myth, currently residing in Gotham City.

What is your perfect idea of happiness?
A world without crime. Without fear. Without homoerotic subtext.

Which living person do you most admire?
Me.

What is your greatest regret?
That I can’t stop my parents from being murdered. If only I knew someone who could send me back in time …

What is your most treasured possession?
A giant penny. No, a full-size mechanical T-Rex. No, a huge Joker playing card. Can I get back to you on that one?

Where would you like to live?
Somewhere dark. And grim.

What makes you depressed?
Man’s inhumanity to man. And all the gay jokes.

Who would play you in a movie of your life?
Sure as hell not that cissy boy Val Kilmer, I can tell you that for damn sure.

What is your favourite book?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
My crusade against crime.

What do you owe your parents?
My determination and the never-ending search for justice. And all the money, of course.

Which living person do you most despise?
Shit, where do I start? That sick fuck Joker, Joe Chill, anyone in Arkham Asylum, Frederic Wertham – how long can I go on here?

When and where were you happiest?
I’m sorry, you lost me there – happiness?

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Eradication of free will in the population of Earth?

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot.